the inner room

Each of us has a space deep in our person where we retreat to when we need to be with just ourselves. Some of our inner rooms are neglected, dusty spaces like forgotten attics. We keep boxes of past experiences beneath layers of dust. We clearly do not enjoy ruffling through those past experiences, though some may bring recollections of beautiful times. Our outer lives may simply be so busy that we don’t have the time to retreat to our inner rooms. As that space gathers more and more dust and spider webs, it becomes exceedingly unwelcoming. We stop going there. We would certainly not invite anyone else there.

Then there are the inner rooms that are often visited. Some look like well-lived-in family homes. I imagine scatter cushions haphazardly thrown onto deep, soft couches, flattened in the centre from wear. Dirty coffee mugs stand around from previous visits. A room like this is certainly a regular haunt. Perhaps the visits aren’t always treasured,happy times, but they are real. The owner of such a room may not appreciate his own wondrousness but he is comfortable with who he is and happy to chill with his private self.

The most beautiful rooms are spaces of candle light. The glow is soft and warm and forgiving. Our most valuable treasures are placed on gilded pedestals. Owners of such rooms retreat there often: it takes a high level of maintenance to keep the space sparkling and clean and golden. The most outwardly flawed people may own lovely sanctums like these. They have gained perhaps the most valuable asset in this world: the knowledge that God loves us despite our weaknesses and human inadequacies just because we are His children. What arrogance we have to impose stricter judgements upon ourselves than He does on us!

Owners of lovely inner rooms make mistakes like the rest of us. They sin like we all do; they even have grave embarrassments to hide. These self-esteem ravishers burrow their way into inner rooms. They make their homes in corners. They throw scary shadows among the candle light. For the light to survive, we need to face these dark demons. Almost daily spring clean may be needed. The human nature is such that we err on a daily basis despite our best intentions. Shadows cannot survive where there is light yet many of us create our own barriers against the light. We seem to think that we need to wallow in shame and self-pity when we’ve acted in a way that darkens our inner rooms. God offers us candles of forgiveness in abundance. In His Great Book He has forgiven us a long time ago while we still hold onto the shame that comes with the self-imposed darkness. A candle lit in a dark corner drives out the scary shadows and restores the golden glow of our inner rooms.

For some people, inner rooms are so private that they hardly invite themselves inside. Certain inner rooms are sealed with re-enforced steel walls, pin codes and laser eye alarm systems. What would happen if we were to invite an outsider in? Could they steal our treasures? Would they sell our shames to gossip papers? I don’t know... Is there truly anyone in this world that could be asked to be a safe keeper of our private selves? Is it not sufficient that each inner room has one supreme owner with God reigning over them all?

Were we to share all of ourselves with our families, friends and partners except that which we keep in our inner rooms would that mean depriving them of our true selves? Surely our inner rooms are just the treasured essence of the rest of us, of the outside bits. I think that the problem lies in the fact that we are primarily so harsh and unappreciative towards ourselves. If we loved who God created us to be with our very human imperfections and the influence of sin in tow, we would remain comfortable with who we are in our private thoughts whether other people also see us there or not.

What would happen if we were to the world who we are to our private selves in quiet moments?