My grandmother, who is a very level-headed, dignified elderly lady, recently suggested I look into sperm donation instead of the dating game to find the father of my future children. Needless to say, I have not had a very successful run with relationships. My experience is that South African guys' interest is tweaked when they hear that the girl is a doctor. They immediately think (and some say aloud), “Wow, you must be so clever!” This is inevitably followed by, “Ooh, you must make big bucks…”
The guy quickly catches on that being a doctor does not mean you’re loaded but rather that you often have to work late; get up at night to go to work and cancel dinner dates because you’re caught up in theatre. Their natural instinct of wanting a nurturing figure to adore them 24/7 takes over and things aren’t so rose-coloured anymore. Add to that, that the girl doctor is often more independent, ambitious and sometimes higher earning than the guy and he almost certainly develops an inferiority complex.
One could suggest that a straight forward solution would be to marry a fellow doctor. Many girls do precisely that. Imagine though the dinner time conversation one would have for the rest of your life: just medical jargon. No wonder so many doctors' kids go into the same field as their parents: they’re never exposed to any other life. Most male doctors would still prefer to marry a nurse than a fellow doctor. It appears that such a partnership suites the male ego better than the doctor-doctor alliance.
My gran herself was married to a doctor and raised three children. She taught Afrikaans and Geography for a number of years before settling down with my grandfather and running his medical practice. She is well-educated and enlightened especially so for the times in which she grew up. Even so, she followed a fairly traditional course in love and marriage. For her to have considered sperm donation as a way of furthering her own gene pool via her only granddaughter is rather revolutionary.
I recently read an article in a popular magazine about this exact topic. The magazine featured the three most sought-after sperm donors in Europe. All three were of Scandinavian origin; all three boffins of some sort; ambitious and not too bad looking (though rather nerdy). Women from all over the globe, including some South Africans, requested these guys’ genes to mix and mingle with their own and form hundreds of new little earth walkers. It seems that women are drawing on sperm banks much more frequently than I had ever imagined.
The question is: why are we not finding suitable mates? There are more females on earth than there are males and therefore not every girl will find a partner. Besides that, it seems that all the good-looking guys turn out to be gay. Then there are the cry-babies, the mommy’s boys, the a-romantics and the plain villains. Neither a good option. One of my theories is that all the chemicals and hormones in our tap water nowadays, a major one being Oestrogen, interfere with the development of a proper man. In my grandmother’s dating years, the men were strong; their greatest aim was to protect their family against any form of predator. They went to the army where they had to carry about heavy poles and survive in pouring rain storms for weeks on end. They came home with emotional scars but also biceps. A man would retire at the end of a working day to a cigar, the evening paper and pensiveness. Today’s male needs elicit steroids to develop muscles. The ones who don’t bother are called metro sexuals. They write poems and discuss their feelings without being prompted. If you seek the rougher sort you end up with the type that dangle their pants under the bum line, reek and smoke ciggies. They're bound to disappear as soon as you ask for child support.
So, would I opt out of this hazard-strew mating game and browse the internet for a suitable sperm donor as my granny suggests? Goodness, that might be a much scarier prospect. And what would I tell the child? I don’t think I’m broody enough yet to take this suggestion seriously. If you’re reading this and have actually gone that route, please let me hear your views.
Someone once said that to love is to have your heart broken. This may be so, yet most of us plunge into the obstacle course of having our hearts broken numerous times in the hope that perfect and full-filling love awaits us round the next corner. Is that all-amazing, flying-carpet, fairy-tale in-love feeling worth sifting through the pant-hangers, the steroid poppers and the mommy’s boys for one’s perfect fit. Currently, I’d say I’m still willing to take the risk and play the game.
Dear Doctor Guinevere!
ReplyDeleteWow-what an article, and as promised I am glad to writ you a response.
I am a strapping, young heterosexual male,and I am in total disagreement with some of the statements you have made in your blog.
I think that woman who make use of spermbanks fall in one of the following categories: Either they themselves are afraid of commitment,or they are so independant and want to take everything that far to prove their independance from the masculine-even to the point of fertilising themselves! Or they may have had some love-dissapointments, and desperately want children,or the may be in a lesbian relationship and want children.
Whatever category-I am against the use of spermbanks! I think it is a disgusting way of promoting masturbation,non-commital, and cheap!
I then suggest to rather stay without children, than doing it this way-I believe a child needs a present physical father to develop healthily-I am not saying that children who grew up with only a mother ar less than the rest-No!,but: God made Father, and mother for a reason!
I hope this reply finds you well!
Strong words, young heterosexual male, strong words.
ReplyDeleteVive-la-difference!!
ReplyDeleteDr Guinevere, congratulations on your strong and provocative blog postings.
I'm sure there would be many readers, who, like I, would whole-heartedly agree with you - many true, sincere, committed and principled, highly developed, thinking Christians - mind you.
Of course there are the very scared ones, the short-sited, arrogant or ill-informed ones, who in a genuine quest to live according to God's law, believe they understand God's will for us. Unfortunately my experience with some of these individuals has been less than positive. I find some of these interpretations of God's Word scarily HUMAN- in fact, some of their versions are so narrow-minded, one-dimensional and frankly lacking of Almighty Godliness and rather over-flowing of 'human-ness', that it depresses me no end! Frankly, I wonder if it does not sometimes sadden or frustrate God as well.
Of course a perfectly packaged family life would be really exemplary to strive for, a great model for your own life.
I too, grew up in such a good, proper and perfectly balanced home. I had a good, hard-working, loving, highly dedicated, intelligent and committed stay-at-home mom and similar professional father. I dare say, we were really privileged in all respects. So I am not speaking from bad experience.
Continued in comment below...
Continued from comment above...
ReplyDeleteIn a similar vein, picture a matriculant who receives a letter of recommendation from one of the most experienced, senior and highly respected head masters in the country, stating that this child certainly is one of the finest young people he has had the privilege of meeting, embroidering on the young person's exceptional character.
Picture the same young person winning accolade upon accolade, more than one dux scholarship, winning all kinds of national and international awards, elected to numerous leadership positions, participating in a wide spectrum of academic, sporting and creative activities with great success and enthusiasm.
Picture this same young person achieving matric results among the top few in the country- averaging more than 90%, going on to become one of the finest and highly skilled in his profession, working extremely hard and giving selflessly and unfailingly, doing his utmost best- in fact- not much different from other members of his family. A loving, kind, thoughtful and dedicated child to them. A strong, happy, fulfilled person. A highly principled, balanced, independently thinking, and committed child of God the Almighty.
A child who was brought up to understand the fact that he is a very special and unique and privileged child of his extended family and of God. A really exceptional person, would you agree?
BUT oh my goodness, low and behold- big mistake!
He is a child of a single parent!
I would say to dr JJ that I really respect his commendable, forthright and fine opinion, but I wonder what he would do if the dear Lord, in all His Wisdom, allowed his neatly and safely packaged wife to die untimely, leaving his children mother-less. Would he quickly run out and find a similarly 'correct' new wife to do the job? () Of course there will be many willing women, but as I say ' vive-la-difference'! I for one, would hate to be that woman.
The other day I heard a man say the reason he wanted to marry his wife, was because all he wants, is to make her happy, he NEEDS to make her happy. And they are two great equals, in the same profession, with two great, happy and well-adjusted kids.
That would make me feel safe and truly loved, cherished and respected for the equal and worthy person I am, in a marriage, certainly not the fact that I was deemed the correct woman to do the job correctly - according to the big man and his team.
The mere fact that one is a man/woman and that you are married, and that you believe you have exclusive insight to God's Meaning, does not exclusively qualify you as the only kind of father/mother God would deem good enough.
Life has taught me the arrogance of such an assumption. Of course, you're right to want the very best for your children. It is certainly true that any other model than yours, could be a great challenge - certainly at least for the woman - but no less worthy.
And to you, dr Guinevere, I sincerely hope you will find the kind of husband and relationship that you describe in your blog. I have to believe they do exist, as I had just such a father.
Short of that, I say VIVE-la-DIFFERENCE in your quest for la DOLCE VITA!
To Proud and single mom:
ReplyDeleteIm glad that you are proud and single, and I dont know your background or your life-story so I dare not comment on any of the statements you have made.
I respect you for your opinions and everything you said.I dare not play God!!!!!!
I expect you to respect my opinions likewise as you know nothing of my life and background.I apologise sincerely if You felt offended by anything I said.
Good luck to you! I can imagine that it must be difficult to be a single mom at times,who knows maybe you will find Mr Right!
Dear Dr JJ
ReplyDeleteIt appears to me that you have missed the point that Proud and Single Mom was making. It sounds to me that she is rightfully proud of her son's achievements and saying that he is the successful man she describes despite, or rather because of his upbringing. Thus not only kids from two-parent families are balanced and successful.
And besides that said above, I have a feeling that Proud and Single Mom would be highly offended that she should be waiting out for 'Mr Right'. She has obviously lived a well-balanced and happy life so far, raising such a wonderful son. I certainly doubt that she's waiting on a 'Mr Right'.
ReplyDeleteDr Guinevere! Have you created a stir! I've read your posting on the above with some interest- as it rings so true, but also had a good laugh at the sharp wit of it.
ReplyDeleteYour grandmother sounds like quite a gal-certainly no wilting flower, hey!
However I'm normally fast on the uptake, but am at a complete loss, and loss for words right now.
Can dr JJ please enlighten me as to how artificial insemination promotes masturbation? I can not, for the life of me, wrap my head around it! How does it work? Is it the actual insemination procedure, the child or the being single that does this disgusting thing to you?
I just fail to grasp any of it?
Perhaps you could oblige?
In fact, I'm so flabbergasted that I left my home this morning neglecting to lock up or close the garage doors!
Oh! I see! Is it the guy who donates his sperm that masturbates? Yeh, now it all makes sense to me!
So does that then mean that it would be more acceptable to use one's wife to masturbate on, since it doesn't sound that realistic to me that every sexual urge can be brought on by the highest form of love- or only when you want to have babies?Am I making sense?
Gob-smacked.
Dear Dr Guinevere
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for putting into perspective exactly what I meant in my previous comment on your blog. Your interpretation of my argument is spot on.
Firstly let me apologise to Dr JJ for giving him the impression that I do not respect him or his beliefs- quite the contrary. I absolutely do. There are too few decent, principled people as it is. Sticking to your strong, well defined beliefs in today's loose and decadent world, where anything goes, is worthy of great respect and really rare and gutsy.
However, the point I tried to make, was this:
My argument is a plight for a less rigid, narrow view and interpretation of what God would deem good, proper, acceptable and to His Glory.
In my view God is Huge in Understanding and Concept, Almighty and Open-minded, Generous and not at all as limiting in Thought as we tend to be. (A God that can create an after-life for his creatures, imagine how much more does He envision for us than the one-dimensional 'safe' models we impose upon ourselves?!)
Further, Dr Guinevere, thanks also for explaining 'proud and single': I am not 'proud' of being a ' single' mother, just as the thought has never entered my mind that I would be a 'proud' married mother. I merely meant that it is just a normal state of being as being married and as a normal course of things, just as good OR bad, worthy or unworthy, able / unable to be a complete, fully developed human being capable of a worthy life as those who are married.
I'm saying, please don't try and make sense of 'it' by imposing your own categories and label on a single person or parent, and in doing so effectively limit such a person's 'fellow' worthiness-and then use a human's version of God's Word to justify that view.
Yes I am extremely proud of my child and incredibly humbled, every day of my life, that God, for reasons only He knows, has blessed me with this specific child.
Likewise, Dr Guinevere, you're quite right in thinking that I am offended and exasperated by the view that I am still half a human, in search of my legitimising, completing, other half.
I've never had the feeling that I wanted to be married, I've always wanted to be the full and complete just me.( And let me assure you, that's more than enough to have to cope with in one life-time!)
I have always wanted a child.
I am a child of God and a very sinful one at that- but if there's one thing I do know, it would be that God has had to forgive me for many sins, but not for being a 'complete and single' earth-dweller by choice and certainly not for being a single parent.
I do however have an idea that He has perhaps had to shake His head in dismay many times, at people for their ill-informed, dogmatic and hurtful assumptions about this subject.
And by arguing my point, I do not mean that there are not many single people out there who would love to be and certainly, long to be married. That's fine and great too.
As I've said: Vive la Difference.
And now, I rest my case.
Looking forward to your next excellent, thought-provoking piece, Dr Guinevere.
Dear All,
ReplyDeletewhat a great debate you have going here. I applaud the points of view expressed here except for those of Dr JJ. I find you utterly narrow-minded in your thought patterns and processes.
Here is my story:
I am a widowed mother of one. My son, is too, a successful young hetrosexual man. i could not have asked for anyone better than him to be my son. He is loving, caring, hard working and honest. Unfortunately, before he was born, my husband was diagnosed with testicular cancer and was given two years to live. At that time we were desperately trying to fall pregnant. We wanted nothing other than to have a "perfect" (Dr JJ's view) family but God/The universe had something else in mind... DEATH for my husband.
Seeking counsel from both Theologians and Doctors, we were advised to consider sperm donation as chemotherapy would jeopardize the potential of us having that family. So we did. Due to that process, i have my beautiful son. And sadly, My husband has passed away.
So here is my argument Dr JJ... If masturbation is so wrong (implied by you), then is my son's existence not from God. Is it cheap and disgusting and non-committal. Also, the mere fact that i am a single mother, does that mean my family is not perfect and i, too, must wait for "Mr Right" (Also, implied by you)?
Secondly, you expect people to respect your point of view when you blatantly never respected the above posts. You sound like a naive man without any real world experience.
Dear Dr Guinevere
ReplyDeleteProfound post.
Gone are the days of the "traditional" / "perfect" family model. many families are forced to have 2 working parents. Sometimes resulting in relay-parenting (one parent works while one is off, and visa versa) due to the constraints that society and the economy place on families these days.
Guinevere your point is valid where the female population outnumber that of the male population. therefore this can only result in one of several options;
1. A woman must give up her natural desire to give birth to a child.
2. To combat this would mean to live in polygamist societies.
3 Men like Dr JJ, are narcissistic ("young strapping heterosexual") and disrespectful of women and their opinions (read widowed mother's post). They force women to deny natural law in having children (placed by God: "go and subdue the earth"). Actions and opinions of "Men" like this encourage women into same-sex relationships, where they can find a loving, respectful and caring life-companion.
Thus, adding to the vicious circle of imperfect families. Therefore making the need for sperm-donation a viable option. After all, is it not God who gave us this technology?
Doc Guinevere, your grandmother is/was ahead of her time.
Dear dr Guinevere
ReplyDeleteMay I thank both Widowed Mother and Realist for their most welcome, insightful, intelligent, wise and sensitive 'support'. What a relief to know that there are people like them out there! And, may I add, I feel truly humbled by them both.
Widowed Mother gave such a poignant yet powerful story,(case in point) that I hardly feel I can comment. I'd rather tread lightly and let her piece stand on it's own.
Where-as Realist brought such strong sobering and eloquent arguments and facts to the debate that, once again, I shall rather let his comment speak for itself.
I'm sure you, Dr Guinevere, must feel the same!
Hope to see more of their contributions on your blog in future.
To Dr JJ: I would love to hear your response. But much more importantly: I hope these comments will allow you to ponder, even perhaps only at another time and place in your life - so that you do not miss out on perhaps some of the best people to come your way in future.
However, I still respect your right to think and believe the way you do and to continue to do so.
I know you mean it well and that you are as passionate and sincere as I am, in your beliefs.
Best wishes to all,
Vive-la-Difference.
To viva la difference:
ReplyDeleteThank you for understanding. I DO AGREE with you that God is multi-faceted and so are we and family structures. I think you have a perfect family and that you and your amazingly-gifted son are exactly where God wants the two of you to be! That is a real blessing-to love, and be loved in return!
To Widowed mother:
ReplyDeleteI certainly do not view myself as a narcissist, but thank you for bringing that to my attention-I certainly didn’t mean to come across that way-and I really learned something from you and your family experience-and of course your child is a gift from God, ok and maybe masturbation isn’t that bad-sorry for coming across so rigid. I actually do understand and sometimes I speak before I think!
God bless all of you mothers, single and proud and widowed! Thank you for blessing me with your insights and helping me grow as a man of God.
Be blessed!
Dear Widowed Mother
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your touching story with us. As they say, 'Life is what happens when we're making other plans'. God's plan for us may seem cruel at the time but as you can attest the most wondrous miracles can sometimes be born from disaster, blessing us abundantly.
Please do write again.
Dear Realist
ReplyDeleteMy gran is definitely a pioneer!
I believe society has come far in developing its view of the 'perfect' family unit but it still has miles to go.
I clearly remember those horrid family trees we had to draw year upon year in primary school. For your tree to be lovely and neat and symmetrical all the parents needed to have had two children, a boy and girl. Each little family unit comprised a neat package of four. No one was allowed to have died, or remarried. The very worst was if your tree had fewer grandchildren than grandparents. That immediately made the teachers suspect an ominous incomprehension of the exercise on your part.
As long as kids are loved and safe what does it matter who they are brought up by: a single father, an adoptive mother, a caring granny, a housemother in an orphanage or an older sibling. We are all God's children, some luckier than others but all equally His children.
Hi doc Guinevere!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to thank Dr JJ for his response!!!
What can I say- the man is turning out to be a gem!
I do believe you're heading for a great future- seeing that you are so committed to being responsible for good choices. GREAT.
And of course for the fact that you took our comments to heart.
Thanx for your comments, however I have to say 'perfect' family may be a bit strong! Just fine and normal - mine I mean.
Dr Guinevere, as
Dr JJ himself commented on your 'Female surgeons' piece -
'You go, Girl' !!! - In all respects.
I took note of your heart-felt, gracious and intelligent response to Widowed Mother and to Realist.
They could certainly speak for themselves eloquently and independently, and
I feel your insight, understanding and ability to grasp and verbalise complex concepts, are really wonderful.
(I’m currently busy with your 'Inner Room', and am finding it to be one of the most powerful, poignant, complex and beautiful pieces of prose I've ever come across!)
So, I love considering myself as a regular 'subscriber' to your blog! And your commentators add serious value with intelligent and dynamic responses.
Greetings,
Vive la difference.
To Viva la difference!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with you! Dr Guinevere is amazingly gifted in her writing and intellectual abilities!
I absolutely love her piece on the inner room!I like it so much that Im actually lost for words!!!
Ooh, my fans, you spoil me with your compliments! [Blush]
ReplyDeleteDr. Guinevere, may I say how I respect your stories and philosophies on other peoples lives and experiences. What fascinated me about your other writers on this particular blog, is the selfishness displayed. As you are focusing your parables, ideas, emotions, thruths and philosophies on other peoples needs and stories, they become subjectivied by their own dilemmas and situations. When your start focusing, listening and get intrigued by the simple truths of others or your rigthful neighbour, thats when you when you learn about love, life and its cherishes.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the blinding truth and honest realities...
Dear Stranger
ReplyDeleteThanx for your fresh point of view! I appreciate your astute observations.
Hi Dr Guinevere, I have been following your blogs for some time now, but haven't commented before. I just love your writing, beautiful style, and find the subjects fascinating.
ReplyDeleteReading back through them I just decided that I have to comment on this one though.
Firstly, your grandma sounds like a wonderfully wise woman, who probably knows you well.
I think its important to realize that different people have different needs, and that we can only be truly happy if we recognize our own needs, and work on fulfilling them. This will not necessarily coincide with other people's needs or perceptions on what is right. As long as you do no harm to others, they have to learn that you have the right to live your life in a way that you deem fit, and make choices which they might not make.
Some women (and men) will not feel secure to raise a child on their own, and therefor they will make different choices to women or men who are independent and secure, and feel capable of raising a child on their own. Neither of these choices are right or wrong, just right or wrong for each specific person in their own life.
Good research shows that children need the love and support of ONE good adult to be able to do well in life, and if you feel able to provide that to a child, you should feel free to have that child without the support of a partner.
I think it would be important though to have a good support network, as most mothers, with or without partners, can not do without the support of family, friends and professionals at times.
Many worthwhile people come from single parent families.
And as an aside in reflection on Dr JJ's comments, who is of course entitled to his own viewpoint, I don't think God prescribes anywhere in the Bible that children should just be born into 2 parent families, but correct me if I'm wrong....
Thank you for the lovely compliments, Isabelle. I appreciate the feedback.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with your point of view. Thank goodness that society appears to allow more for individuality than it did in the past. I'd like to goas far as suggesting that the prospective single parent may be better equipped for raising a child than your average young couple expecting their first. I think that precisely because single parenthood is seen as the irregular choice, a single person deliberating on whether to have a baby, keep a baby, adopt a child, undergoes a much more rigorous thought process than the average young couple. Financial means is investigated, a support network is rallied, much soul-searching is done. I would imagine that many more questions of the "am I ready, do I have what it takes" kind are deliberated by the prospective single parent. In many cases professionals: social workers, psychologists, are involved to help answer these questions.
A young married couple may really want a baby but in how many cases is the decision as rigorously considered? After all, having a baby is a huge responsibility. I think that the decision is often fuelled by societal expectations. It is seen as the next natural step to take after the wedding bells have sounded, irrespective of whether the couple are prepared for the life-long responsibilty that is raising a child.